Dreams or Recolletions?
by WhichIsHope
Summary: McCoy keeps having nightmares because of Jim and Spock. Spock tries to help  *Can be read as Friendship or Pre-Slash*


**Authors Note**: Another Spock & McCoy story. Can be read as Friendship or Pre-Slash. And maybe, if I have ideas and time, and ideas, this might get a sequel. In about 8 months or so. If ever :D

**Diclaimer**: There are a lot of people who have a claim on these characters or this fictional universe. I'm not one of them.

**Rating:** Save (K)

**Summary:** McCoy keeps having nightmares because of Jims and Spocks dangerous missions. Spock helps.

* I just noticed that this stupid story cannot be saved with all the paragraphs I wanted - so sorry if it's hard to read!*

* * *

><p>He was a warrior. A mighty warrior, kneeling in the dirt over the body of his slain friend. Of his friend who would never look into his eyes again. Never laugh with him again. He didn't feel his sandals cutting into his shins or the sun beating down on his armour, slowly roasting him inside of it. All he could do was look into his friends still face, absentmindedly stroking his jet-black curls. He had never once told him, how much he loved and cherished him. Would never have the chance again. Suddenly he could contain his grief no longer, hurling it to the world in a primal scream.<br>His enemies would pay. They would sing of his vengeance for aeons to come.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

He awoke with a start, his own cry echoing in his mind.

„Bones! Are you awake already? I need you on the bridge for the final exchange with the minister of Kro'ohn. He wants you to attest that no-one sustained lasting damage. Now come on!"  
>An impatient Kirk could be heard over the comm.<p>

„Alright, gimme five minutes, I -„

„You've got three and counting. I want to get the hell out of here, before anyone else gets hurt! Kirk out"

Groaning, Leonard H. McCoy, CMO of the USS Enterprise got up, dug through the heap of clothes on the floor and dressed himself. He could not remember stripping off his clothes yesterday, after he had performed 3 hours of surgery on Spock and then had sat 12 hours of vigil over his friend to ensure he would recover completely after being shot by anti-fleet activists of Kro'ohn. And when he had finally allowed himself some sleep, after 28 hours of constant tension, Jim wouldn't even let him be.

But after leaving the turbo lift with a sigh he had to admit to himself, that it wasn't Jims fault. And as he was awake now anyway, he could as well check on sickbay  
>after he was done talking to the minister.<p>

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

He had never gotten back into his bed all day after realising that Spock was in no shape to write his report of the incident (though the stubborn elf insisted that he was). So he wrote one based on the injuries the first officer had sustained, adding a short summary of the expedition that he coaxed out of the tight-lipped Vulcan. Who seemed definitely not amused that his usually detailed and flawless report had to be postponed if not replaced by the doctors' short sentences.  
>But the doctor had been sure, he had detected the amused twinkle in these dark eyes that he had grown accustomed to during many of their seemingly furious debates.<p>

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

He stood on the roaring edge of the waterfall. Staring down with his face moist from the spray of water. Or from tears. But did it matter?  
>He' s gone. He had finally met his Nemesis. How often had he feared for his friends' and colleagues' life before? But he had always emerged victorious, his face shining. Sure he had to patch him up, treat his wounds, sometimes mend a broken nose or sprained ankle. But he always got him back and they could celebrate the victory together. But their good-bye was final this time.<br>He broke down sobbing in earnest when he realized, he could not remember how his friends' eyes had looked when they had parted.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

He jerked upright, wiping the moisture from his eyes that threatened to spill. Another restless night.

He was still ill-tempered when he entered the officers' mess. Not even his favourite breakfast could cheer him up and so he was still nursing his coffee and glaring at every passing person when Spock found him. He hrrrmphed in his cup and determinedly looked away when Spock slid on the bench next to him, even though the Vulcan did not keep his usual distance.

"Dr. McCoy, humans need a certain amount of food per day to function effective-"

"Don't lecture me!"

"I only wanted to express my concern –"

"Mind your own business as you always do!" the doctor snapped, still not looking at the Vulcan.

"Why do I get the feeling doctor, that I have to apologize to you?"  
>"Maybe because you have to!"<br>"Doctor, I could not inform you of my plan, you would have tried to stop me" was the simple answer.  
>It caused McCoy to whip his head around and stare the other man down.<p>

"Damn right I would have! What if your plan hadn't worked out? What kind of doctor am I, if I'm denied the right to look after my patients? There would not even be shreds of you left for me to

patch together, you flew into a supernova for god's sake, you-"

He was startled out of his rant by the placating hand on his shoulder. Spock NEVER touched anyone.

"Doctor, there will eventually be another time, when I will have to decide to risk my life in the place of many others or someone more important than me. You know that I cannot react differently and I-"

"Doesn't make it any better now, does it. You know that I nearly die of several heart-attacks, whenever you or Jim decide to do something foolish. But Jim has at least the good grace to _act_ as if he was sorry."

"But Doctor, you know our profession, the possibility that one of us might one day not come back is-"

"DON'T YOU LISTEN? This doesn't make any of it better! It will hurt all the same. And I don't want to discuss this anymore with you" the doctor added sourly and resumed staring into his cup.

"Doctor, I did not come here to fight with you. I want to know if there is something that I can do, that will make it easier for you to accept that danger is a part of my profession."

"Hah, make it easier for me when you die?"  
>When did they start talking about only Spock and himself? As in 'them'? And whatever happened to the issue of Jim?<br>"Nothing will make it easier for me, if you die. Even if I know that it was to protect the rest of the ship. Sure, I would understand the reasons why, but I… I would not even have the chance to say good-bye."

There. He had said it. This wasn't a professional '_concerned-CMO-to-reckless-first-officer_' talk anymore. This was way too personal for McCoy's liking. And the hand on his shoulder still had not disappeared.  
>When he finally looked up, he stared into the brown eyes across from him. And was startled by the gentleness there.<p>

Then Spock was gone. With a squeeze of his shoulder, he got up and left.

'What a weird morning', McCoy thought, finished his now cold coffee and got up himself. That he was too late for his shift did not matter today. He simply had to take a detour through the arboretum to think.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

The weird dreams continued in irregular intervals, each speaking of the imminent loss of a best friend or a loved one. McCoy feared he was going slowly insane. He dreaded those dreams because they had him waking up screaming or sobbing and afterwards he was unable to sleep.

McCoy was beginning to fear those dreams in earnest, when they became more frequent.

He stopped going to bed in the evening and opted to keep himself awake with paperwork when the dreams changed and he now held Spock dying or dead in his arms almost every night.

No-one seemed to notice the growing circles under the doctor's eyes, except a certain brown pair of eyes that showed up in sickbay more regular than before but surprisingly not only when he was treated or threatened to come by the doctor himself.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

The first dangerous mission after that weird morning in the officers mass that went wrong sent the captain and his first officer both to sickbay. The former hit by a poisoned arrow, the later hit by five of such, because he had, of course, grabbed his superior after the first attack and retreated to safety with him, shielding him with his own body.

As always, the doctor didn't know which of his friends to rush first to. But as Jim was still able to grin slightly lopsided at him, trying to convey '_Relax, I'm fine_' which of course he was absolutely NOT, the doctor started on the unconscious Spock.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

He was not able to save him. Jim was screaming 'Bones, do something, Bones, he is going, Bones!' But all he could do was stare at the green blood that dried at the still face, stare at the eyes that would never open again. Jim's shouts mingled with the beeping of the monitor which slowed and slowed and then died. Just like Spock. He was…gone.  
>And Jim shouted 'It was all my fault, come back to me, Spock'.<p>

But he didn't

All he could do was stare. And shake.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

"Doctor McCoy. Doctor McCoy, calm down. You are dreaming!"

The shaking did not stop and his mind came back to reality only slowly.

When he realized, that a much-warmer than human hand was gripping his shoulder and shaking him softly, he started.

"Spock? I… Spock!"

And then he lost control and began sobbing in earnest.

"I can't take it anymore. I certify myself unfit for duty. I cannot-" he hiccoughed.

Then an idea popped into his head.

"Spock, share my mind. If you want to understand."

Spock visibly flinched. But one look into the red, watery eyes of the doctor conveyed his earnestness. He could not deny that he had not wanted to share the kind doctors' exceptional mind for quite some time.

Five minutes or five hours later – who could really say that - found them kneeling in front of each other. Spocks face was an impenetrable mask, the one he wore when repressing some strong emotions.

The doctor had sobered up, reliving his horrible dreams in the presence of Spock calm, rational but altogether gentle mind was not as hard as living them alone. He was simply waiting, gazing at Spock as he processed the images that McCoy had shown him.

"These were not mere dreams. At least they did not feel like it, their intensity was far too strong. The seemed more like memories from real moments in your life. I do not see how this is possible. It is really fascinating. And I feel very sorry that you had to go through these 'nightmares' because of me, Doctor."

'Well,' the doctor thought, 'if this is not the sign that things are about to become better. Spock knows and Jesus, he has just admitted to _feel sorry _for me. Maybe we can work with this from now-on.''

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

When the new ritual first occurred, James T. Kirk, Captain of the starship _Enterprise_ almost missed a step and hit the floor face first. His first officer had, instead stepping onto the beaming platform with him, turned to the CMO and placed a deliberate hand on the latter's shoulder. And now, he did not let go, or nerve pinch him or whatever, his looked into the doctors blue eyes for another long moment, then turned away, climbed the platform and stood to perfect attention at one beaming spot.  
>Kirk gaped very un-captainly at his two best friends. When he slowly took his place, too, he fixed McCoy with a questioning glance, as Spock seemed completely unaware of the strangeness of his actions. The doctor's small blush and his wink were the only indicators of something apart from the usual.<p>

'This universe has many a miracle yet to disclose. And it seems not only out there, but even on my own ship' the captain thought.

"Energise"

And away they went, on some other planet-side mission.

The real change occurred only after some time to him.  
>The strange before-beaming ritual between Spock and McCoy continued and after bigger or smaller shocks, depending on how well they knew the participants, all crewmembers had accustomed themselves to it. No-one noticed it anymore, it was usual now to calculate this new 'good-bye' into their schedule if it wasn't an emergency. The others of any landing-party would chat silently on their platforms or stretch a last time before beaming down into the unknown. They never had to wait long, just long enough until the two senior officers had separated.<p>

But the real effect did not reveal itself until the first time that Jim returned with a bleeding and unconscious Spock in his arms on the transporter pad.  
>At first the doctor was his usual, efficient, barking self, but when he had done all possible for Spock, and all they could do was wait, the doctor brushed Spocks forehead once lightly and then sat down and waited, apparently calm.<p>

Kirk noticed that, and also the stiff set of his friends shoulder. He was not relaxed. But he seemed to have made his peace with his helplessness at this point. No ranting, no pacing, just sitting and gazing at Spock or the monitor above his head.

And Kirk understood. Understood that the turmoil inside the doctor was by no means gone. It had just changed. Somehow Spock had made the waiting bearable to the doctor.

With a smile, Kirk got up and stepped out of sickbay. This time, he was sure Spock would wake up soon enough. And he was sure that that instant the doctors' calm would break and his usual rant would follow.

Kirk looked almost forward to it. Almost.

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><p>So, who can tell me, where I got the ideas for the first two dreams? And please, as this is unbeta'ed, point out any typos!<p> 


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